Column: Someone Paid Money for the PWHL Team Names

News of the potential PWHL team names leaked today, and while the wide world of women’s hockey had some thoughts about them, I did, too. Rapid reaction incoming.

There’s a line from The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert that feels very, very relevant after today’s potential PWHL team name leak: “You’ve got to be fucking joking.”

First, the teams weren’t going to have names for Year One beyond the cities they play in. From a marketing perspective, that was a stupid idea, but after getting a look at the team names the league trademarked it seems like a stroke of genius.

These names are laughable. If it was April I’d be hoping this is a prank, and frankly I still am. Let’s go through them, shall we?

The Boston Wicked

My feelings about Boston sports teams tend to align with those of anyone whose city has ever been personally victimized by Tom Brady, but naming a team with a word tossed around when people are mocking said city? Really? Throw some clam chowda in the Dunkin pahkin’ lawt while you’re at it. Plus, you just know someone’s going to associate ‘wicked’ with witchcraft.

But Meredith, ‘wicked’ means good!

It’s still an adjective, which make it bad for a team name, and ‘Boston Wicked’ sounds as unfinished as the league’s thought process.

The Montréal Echo

Echo. Of what? Are we holding a conch shell up to our ears to hear the blood rushing in our heads? Is that what we’re doing?

I’d be curious to know if there’s a historical context I’m missing here, or a local connection to the city. As is, naming a team ‘Echo’ is like naming a team Afterthought. The Montréal Thought I Heard Something? I’m still work-shopping it.

The Ottawa Alert

Initially this one was getting as fully ribbed as the others, until I was alerted (see what I did there?) to this tweet from Kenzie Lalonde.

As a history lover, I like this. I’d have preferred a plural, but with the historical context this is by far the best of a bad bunch.

The Minnesota Superior

I’m going to give the league the benefit of the doubt and assume this is in reference to Lake Superior and Minnesota’s moniker “Land of 10,000 Lakes.” That said, it’s still an adjective. Minnesota has tons of wildlife and natural features to choose from. Do better.

The Toronto Torch

Just say you want Toronto to carry the torch for the league. You can be honest. This is a safe space.

The New York Sound

Once again, geographical benefit of the doubt based on Long Island Sound, but please. I’m just asking for some flair and some foresight. That’s all.